If I only could
by loveofwriting
Summary: This one shot is about the story of Elisa and Scotty – Imagine she could talk to him right now, what would she say? What would she think? – A glimpse in their past and into his present...Please read and review!


**A/N:** This one shot is about the story of Elisa and Scotty – Imagine she could talk to him right now, what would she say? What would she think? – A glimpse in their past and into his present...Reviews would be highly appreciated :-) Thank you!

**Disclaimer:** do not own cold case...

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**If I only I could**

Scotty, mi amor, mi corazon, how I wish I could be holding you now and make you feel better, just a little bit better. How I wish I could erase the pain I caused you, the pain we both went through for so many years, so that you could finally go back to who you are, forget about all these stupid affairs you've been having and really be yourself with somebody, like you were with me at the beginning.

Do you remember our beginnings? We talked about it on the steps that one day you went to look for me. I had scared you once more because the giants got back. As usual, you knew where to find me. You were so mad and so scared. I was terrified, Scotty, terrified to realize it never seemed to stop no matter what I tried, no matter how strong you wanted to be for both of us. I was simply getting lost.

I still see the scene as it had happened yesterday. I had written down that the giants were back and then left. You were looking for me everywhere, trying to stay calm but this was mission impossible...

**Flashback:**

_Scotty talking to Stillman and trying to find Elisa : "Playing stickball on my block. That's the first time I seen her. 14 years old. Oh, man... just kicking_"

_He arrives in their old neighborhood and finds her sitting on the steps, he knew she'd be at. _

"_I'm looking for you all day. Everywhere I'm looking for you go, Elisa"_

"_I'm sorry", she said, tears in her voice._

"_You ok? Hey? Talk to me." He asked, worried._

"_They came back Scotty, the giants. I know what you're thinking. I know You're thinking that I didn't take my meds. But I did.... they still came back." _

"_We'll get stronger meds. We'll talk to the doc. We'll see what he has to say." He answers, wanting to be reassuring. _

"_That's what we did last time, that's what we do all the time but it doesn't get better. Maybe it just doesn't." _

_They both stay in their silence for a few seconds. _

"_I'm going to go stay at my sister's for awhile." She informs him. _

"_If that's what you want to do, do it." He replies, trying to not sound defeated at the thought._

"_I don't know what else to do, do you?" She asks and then says: "Shirts 2, Skins 0."_

_He shakes his hand, afraid that she is still slipping away, mad at the situation. "There ain't no skins, I know you see that, I mean just look!" _

"_I meant before, when we were kids." She explains to him. _

"_Let's go, Elisa."_

"_Skins make a come back in the last inni. Do you remember?" She asks. _

"_No"_

"_Tripe play, score by Scotty Valens."_

"_I don't remember"_

"_I do"_

"_It was such a long time ago" His voice was full of despair. _

"_Not so long ago Scotty. Not so long ago"_

**End of flashback.**

It really wasn't that long ago even if it seemed like forever to you at that moment. You put your head on my knees and for a few minutes, the world stood still as we were yet again closer than ever right before life was going to tear us apart.

I have to confess something, you always thought that the first time we met was during the stickball game a week earlier that one but it was not the first time I had seen you. It was just the first time I trusted myself enough to come closer.

I had seen you several times from my window. I had moved in during that summer into the neighborhood and didn't know many people yet. You were outside with your big brother and you were practicing, I could hear him screaming instructions at you in both Spanish and English and I saw your smile. You have no idea what that smile of yours did to me, I couldn't stop looking and at some point I thought you had seen me, so I hid and my heart was pounding in my chest, it felt as if it was melting a bit. I had never felt that way before. I was 14 years old. I noticed that you guys were playing with friends at night and one evening, my good friend Ana, convinced me that I should go and watch you play.

You won, of course, and then you walked towards me, still smiling. I thought the world was disappearing underneath my feet. You sat down next to me on that step and every word you said to me, I kept engraved in my memory.

**Flashback**

_A young boy wearing a baseball cap and old jeans walks decisively towards the step where a young girl with long brown hair is sitting down._

"_Hey...you like stickball" he asked, looking very sure of himself._

"_I like it." She replied with a smile._

"_I'm Scotty. What's your name?" _

"_Elisa" She answered and looked up into his eyes._

_The young boy seemed startled for a minute as if he had been hit by lighting but he regained his composure and asked quickly:_

"_Do you want to throw a few balls?"_

"_Sure"_

_As she got up, he looked at her again. She really was beautiful and with his 14 years old, he discovered his love, not realizing how strong that love was going to become. _

**End of flashback**

I never told you because secretly, it was one of those stories that I wanted to share with you when we were old and with our grandkids sleeping upstairs.

We wanted 2 children, even though at some points, you said you wanted 11 to build a soccer team....You had been joking right?

We talked about it many times. We were going to have one boy and one girl, or two girls you said. "Boys are too much trouble" You explained laughing and you went on. "Let's face it, we'd be so lucky if our girls look like you inside and out, they would just be so beautiful and so sweet. I'd be the happiest man." You always said that our daughter should take after me and that you would protect her from everything, meaning from all boys who would liked to talk to her. You even said you would not let her go see boys play baseball because you knew what happens afterwards. I looked deep into your eyes and I asked: "Would you change a thing for us? What if my dad had told me not to go out?". You took my hand into yours, kissed it and while holding it to your face, you replied: "Mi corazon, I'm always thankful about the fact your dad was not that strict." And you laughed, and I shoved you in the shoulder, and you kissed me, and my hands were running down your back, and our clothes fell to the floor and our breaths became one as our bodies joined...

Of course, we had our ups and downs, even before I got sick. Nothing is always perfect but we were perfect for each other in our imperfections. I used to get mad about your cockiness even though I loved how you knew what you wanted. You used to be upset at me for not trying hard enough even though I was really giving my best to everything. You had high expectations about me, about life and you made me a better person. You were caring and honest; you were always sticking to what you believed in. And you believed in us.

You were and stayed my true and only. I gave myself to you when we were 17 years old and I never regretted it...Even after all these years, you could get my knees to tremble. We used to sneak out sometimes at night and spend the evening in the park that was closed by. We called it a park; it was not much more than 2 or 3 trees and a playground. We would talk and laugh and this is where you kissed me for the first time. This is also where you decided you wanted to join the police force, after we saw a man being beat up by two teenagers. We were just a bit younger than them and I was so scared but you looked at me and you said: "I am going to help him. Go back home and tell your pope to call the cops" I could see the fear in your eyes but something else, another dimension of your need to help others. Already back then, you had that particular quality. I tried to hold you back but you just shook your head and went on, put yourself in front of the old man and fought back the two young men. You didn't win, of course, you maybe were my superman but you couldn't do that much against two. I ran back home, afraid for you, afraid people were going to be there too late, I was crying and didn't realize I had been screaming for help all along. Your brother heard me as your father and they ran to the park after I told them what had happened. When they approached, the two teenagers got scared and ran away. You had bruises everywhere, your nose was bleeding...and after that day, it became way much harder for us to sneak out at night but you had found your calling, defending people, making sure they got justice. It was your passion and I think it still is, even though you now seem to get lost in meaningless adventures and your temper sometimes gets the best of you.

I don't think you were able to accept what I did. But how could you? I didn't even understand myself what pushed me to go to that bridge and to jump, because I did jump, Scotty. And you could not have done anything against it...I wish somebody make you realize it.

I know that you needed the warmth of a body to make you feel better while I was still alive but still gone in my world and when I left, Lilly's sister was just right there. You know what's ironic about it all? You actually wanted to turn to Lilly for comfort but you were afraid of the consequences and you thought Christina was just less complicated. Little did you know what you put yourself into...You knew that Lilly was right when she told you in her icy voice which you fear to hear so much: _"Fine, Scotty but whoring it out with a cocktail waitress won't bring back your dead girlfriend."_ She was trouble but maybe you just wanted the familiar feeling of helping somebody who could not be helped. In that way, maybe she reminded you of me.

And after Christina, it has just been a river of meaningless encounters until Frankie. There, you decided to let her in a little, it was not real love but a mixture of desire and longing for a relationship. You thought she understood where you were coming from and you were able to relax a bit around her. But let me share a little secret with you, it would not have worked out, even if she had not been married. You realized that yourself when she came to you and let you know that she and her husband were divorcing. Of course, you turned away because you didn't want to be that man, the one who breaks a marriage but Scotty, let's face it, you let yourself go on that one. You just don't want to admit why...You just don't want to admit that you are growing tired of your own theory, the one you told Lilly while you were in Nashville, your lone wolf theory about good cops meant to be alone.

It is time for you to move on, mi amor. You always wondered why I left that happy note behind, why I didn't apologize, why I didn't write my reasons behind my desperate gesture. You told that to Stillman when he came after one of your outbursts.

**Flashback**

Scotty : _It wasn't a suicide, what happened._

Stillman : _Wasn't there a note?_

Scotty : _But it wasn't like that. I mean, if she jumped or something... It'd be more apologizing, that she couldn't make it._

Stillman : _Well, what did she say?_

Scotty : _It was about the good stuff. When we were kids._

Stillman : _Scotty, that's how sometimes people say good bye._

Scotty : _No. No, she wrote about this... this birthday party. Her friend turning 14 and how we're both there sneaking looks and talking about how the river smells, and how in her head, she's waiting for the light to fade so I can hold her hand in the dark and no one would see. Don't tell me that note is the end. It's the beginning. _

**End of flashback**

This note, mi amor, was for you to remember one of the many happy times we had with one another. I didn't want to stay in your memory as the sick one. I just wanted you to just see me like I was before it all started, before the sickness started slowly, becoming part of me…taking over my true personality. The doctors had warned us about suicide attempts, had explained to me what I should do if I felt too depressed. I thought the giants were coming after me and then I had a moment of lucidity and I just got scared it would never stop. I don't have any reasons to explain what I did, it wasn't really me who jumped Scotty, but the real me had been on and off for so long that I didn't remember who I was. That one birthday party stood out in my mind and I started crying because I knew that all our plans would not work, that the medicine was not working and there were voices in my head telling me that it was not worth it, I was trying to push them away but they were always louder. So, I wrote that note, hoping you could see that we had memories to smile for and then I left for a walk, knowing without knowing that it was the end…Yes, I was afraid of height but I was not really thinking anymore, my fears had changed, the voices, the giants, the pain all in a spirale, louder and faster….I jumped…

If I only could change the way I left you, with all these questions, I would…but it's too late now and I just wish you would see behind the events, behind the pain to realize that. I'm never really gone, I'm always with you, we have too many memories for me to totally disappear but you need to move on, mi amor. You need to find somebody who will put that smile back on your face, that beautiful, happy smile. You know none of the women you went with since I left were going to bring that smile. I actually think you are afraid of feeling whole because you know damn well how hard it is when something goes bad. You're stronger than you think mi corazon and you deserve someone who will not only make you smile again but somebody you can rely on, like you used to, with me.

And I do believe that it is closer than you think if you just listened to your heart again…

I will always love you…and you know that if I could have, I would have spent my lifetime by your side. You can find love again, mi corazon and I know you will.

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**A/N:** This was a try...Read and review!


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